Girl Friends: 5 ways to spot a potential hater

by: Lia Thomas

Tamisha was a fun loving 24 year old woman. Everyone liked her at work, and because of this she never had a shortage of admirers. Tamisha was always the one in the office to help new comers feel comfy and accepted, so when Keisha became the latest addition to her team, she jumped right in and made her feel at home.

It wasn’t long before Keisha became attached to Tamisha. Keisha was always in need of assistance, and against her better judgment, when Keisha asked, Tamisha gave her her cell number and soon after, her house number.

Four months later both women had built what felt like a cool relationship, so much so that Tamisha would go clubbing and attend social gatherings with her. Sometimes they would even crash at each others place when they were too tired to drive home. Finally, here was a friend girl that Tamisha felt comfortable letting into her personal space-, that is until the unthinkable happened!

For each woman, the unthinkable may be different. It may range from missing a piece of jewelry to missing a man. Whatever the case, the unthinkable will reveal the ‘hating’ behind the sisterly love of this friend girl. We’ve all been through it, but here are five ways to spot future ‘haters’:

1. HAVE A GOOD UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT you ARE SEEKING IN A FRIEND GIRL
Having a good understanding of what YOU desire in a girlfriend, is Key. Do you want a friend that you can go out with from time to time? Do you want a girlfriend who you can talk to when the world is on your shoulders? Or do you just want a friend that you can touch base with once in a while? Be aware that girlfriends are like shoes: you can find one to fit every occasion. Be honest with yourself, and seek out the type of friend girl that will fit the right space in your life.

2. TRUST your GUT INSTINCTS AND HONOR your FEELINGS
As women, we don’t trust our gut instincts enough because we often get it confused with being judgmental. When you are trusting your instincts, you are ‘listening’ to the person’s character, rather than placing signs that are based on ‘what ‘you think’ this person is about, around their neck. Be willing to listen to AND accept the truth of what the other female is saying. By talking about her friend’s man and the way that he looked at her when she came over in her ‘alter top and micro skirt’-, is she telling on her self and giving you a heads up that she is a flirt and not respectful of relationships? Be willing to listen, and take action. Don’t bend in the wind and prolong the ‘friendship’ because you don’t want to be ‘rude’. Preserve your now self, and protect your future self from potential hurt. If this type of friendship is not what you are seeking, let it go.

3. ASK, ASK and ASK SOME MORE
Communication throws a lot of closet doors wide open. If you are not sure about this friend girl, ask questions that address specific issues: Is she trying to cover up information about herself. Why is she doing this? Is she judgmental and pushy? Why is she so controlling? Listen carefully to the answer that she gives. Be patient in this process and be aware that like a flower, relate ionships must grow. How they grow, whether they will be loaded down with weeds or pruned into a beautiful flower, all depends on how much attention you pay to it when it is growing. Questions were made to be asked, but remember to divulge a little and ask a lot.

4. EVALUATE you IN RELATION TO THE FRIENDS you ATTRACT
We often attract girlfriends who are a reflection of us. If we are in a space where we mistrust people in general, then we may attract girlfriends who magnify this characteristic. A great deal of the time we do this subconsciously, but when the woman shows her ‘true colors’, we recognize the wrong on a conscious level. At the age of fifteen I became friends with a female that I would be a friend with for a total of eight years. She was brown skinned, beautiful, tall and was the life of every party. Throughout the eight years, I became her savior, her defender and her perpetual shoulder to cry on. When the relationship ended, I was divested. However, years later, after I evaluated myself in relation to the dynamics within that relationship, I came to understand that I had attracted this unhealthy relationship-, because I myself was emotionally unhealthy. I had low self-esteem, felt misunderstood and unloved. The relationship with this female helped me to feel like I was needed, wanted and appreciated. It was hard to admit that I had drawn this vindictive person to me, but I also found the courage to further evaluate my self, and so attract healthier females with whom to be friend girls with.

5. PUT your GIRL FRIENDS IN THEIR PROPER PLACE
Would you wear a pair of sandals in the dead of winter? Would you wear your open toe shoes while it is pouring cats and dogs outside? It would be safe to say that you would dig those feet in your boots and pull on your sneakers when it snows and rains (respectively). So, be smart and don’t grab your summer friend girl when you are in the dead of personal/emotional winter. Be aware that an emotionally selfish person may be good to party with, but not good to unload hurt feelings with. Be willing to be honest with yourself and recognize that you did not place this person in the right ’space’, in your life. Like wise, don’t call a ‘flakey’ girlfriend when you are experiencing torrents or downpours of physical, emotional, financial or mental ‘rain’. Align yourself at the correct time, with the correct friends. You will honor not only yourself, but the type of friendship that you have with this particular friend girl.

As for our friend Tamisha, the young woman who had the unthinkable happen to her, she ended the toxic friend girl relationship. She weeded out potential haters by coming to a personal understand of what she was willing to accept, listening more keenly to her gut instincts, asking questions so she could gain clarity about cloudy issues, and by examining more consciously the subconscious quest that she herself had been putting out to friend girls. Additionally, Tamisha learnt not to let her emotions rule her. She discovered that by putting friend girls in their ‘proper spaces’ within her life, that she was able to avoid potentially chaotic and messy situations. Now Tamisha is well, more drama free, all because she is more equip to spot a potential hater, miles away!

copyright @ liathomas4-15-05 featured on: WeJamaicans.com