by: Lia Thomas
I had known her since high school days. We use to eat lunch together, pair up in gym class, have double dates every other weekend, and occasionally do the sleep over thing at each others house. We both graduated high school with honors, and each earned a full scholarship to the college of our choice. We’d spent that last summer after graduation ‘living it up’ since we knew that our time together was limited. At the end of that time, though infrequently, we’d felt certain and promised that we would see each other again. We’d parted ways, with stars in our eyes and lofty goals in our minds to be the best in our professional and personal lives.
But the unthinkable happened 5 years later. I received a call from my dear friend’s mother one morning, and what she told me made me slump onto my sofa: my friend had been beaten beyond recognition by her boyfriend of 3 years, and was in critical condition in the hospital. Later that day, as I stood over her body which was riddled with needles and drips, I couldn’t help wondering about ways in which she could have gotten out of this abusive relationship before it had reached this stage-, with her lying at death’s door. It might be too late for my friend, but here are some tips that could help you, or a friend, get out of an abusive relationship before it’s too late:
Know the initial warning signs:
It is so romantic when a guy wants to spend a lot of time with you, but be careful not to confuse affection with obsession. The initial onset of obsession may be so subtle that you may not even recognize it as such, but be mindful that when your new beau wants you to slowly cut ties with your male friends, girlfriends, families and coworkers, that he is strategically unraveling his plan of having you all to himself. Furthermore, if he wants to control or negate your every move, your red flags should be up. By establishing a pattern of control, he is working on eroding your sense of self, and if he does this long enough, chances are you will come to be reliant on him for guidance, of your self. Be mindful that his ultimate goal is to control your outer and inner life in every way possible, thus making him God like, in your eyes.
To aid in his ‘god like’ persona, he may portray himself as always having to ‘struggle against the world’, or have a ‘me against the world’ complex where everyone is always against him. He will try to gain your sympathy by playing on your sense of loyalty to him. Having worn down your self esteem, it may be especially easy for him to inject thoughts of suspicion into your psychy, and have you question everyone’s motives around you-, especially those who are trying to do right by you, and him. This is essentially what an abuser will do to ‘trap’ you, so if you encounter someone who wants to isolate you from your circle of family and friends, monitor your every move, and dictate what you should do and how you should or should not do it, run as fast as you can, in the other direction! It is better to leave with your self intact, shed a few a tears and nurse a broken heart, than to stay with an abuser and cry every night while nursing a physical or emotional bruise and broken esteem.
Talk to a trusted friend/s:
Your abuser may have talked you into ‘dropping’ your friends and family, but know that your friends will be more understanding than you think, when it comes to helping you to leave this life threatening situation. No doubt it may be difficult, but it is important to reach out to a source of support, someone that you can rely on, someone who will be strong enough to help you walk away when it gets especially tough to do it on your own. Allow this person to act on your behalf, as this person may be aware of resources that may assist you in getting out of the situation and up on your feet. Whether it is a co-worker, or even a passing stranger who seems concerned about your situation, it is vital to have a life line other than that which is being presented to you, by your abuser.
Have a plan of escape:
He may have gotten to you psychologically and/or physically, but know that you not totally broken! It is hard to summon up the courage, let alone the will power to leave, so while you are waiting for that chance, go ahead and formulate an escape plan. Remember that only the higher power knows everything, so take comfort in this as you come up with a plan of escape. Be cognoscente of his routines, patterns and habits, as these things will aid in your ‘escape plan’. Be careful not to write down anything that would make him suspicious of your plans to leave, as he may become even more violent. Though it may be difficult, keep up ‘appearances’ and bid your time, till you are able to leave, safely. Share your plan with your trusted friend, and allow yourself to have them make it happen for you.
Keep your location, a secret:
Keep your location a TOP secret. Unless it is absolutely necessary for someone to know where you are, keep your location under wraps for a while. Be aware that your abuser will be hunting you down. An abuser’s motive of operation is built on controlling another human being, so his ego, pride and self esteem will be challenged as a result of you leaving. No doubt, he will be angered beyond rational, so disclose your location to no one, except a necessary source. You never know if he is hiding close to your old home to see if you show up there, or if he will con an unsuspecting relative or friend into revealing your where abouts. Think as he would think, and secure your self by locking/blocking off all access ports, through which he may enter. If need be, you can always pass on messages to your loved ones to let them know that you are safe, and will return home to them, eventually.
Know that what happened to you is not your fault:
One of the symptoms of being abused, is feeling ashamed. You are conned into thinking that you are deserving of what happens to you, and that you somehow brought this abuse on yourself because of your inability to ‘measure up’ to his standards. DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED, OR BLAME YOURSELF FOR BEING ABUSED. No one deserves to be beaten senseless, or belittled verbally, by anyone. Be aware that an abuser has low self esteem and in order to raise his esteem, he must trample on yours. In order to control you, he must break you, and insinuating shame, is one means of breaking you. It may take a while to work past the feeling of shame, but know that you are deserving of better and brighter days. Counseling and therapy, whether in a single or group setting, is key to recovery. We all need it at some point in our lives (whether in the form of a Pastor, Teacher, friend, co worker, or family), so don’t be afraid or ashamed to accept it when it is being offered to you!
As for my dear friend, who was beaten beyond recognition and left for dead by her boyfriend, she is still in a coma. We can no longer hear her speak, see her beautiful smile, enjoy her lively spirit, or partake in the life that was hers. We can no longer witness these precious parts of her, but hopefully, you, or a friend can avoid this tragedy. It is not too late to walk away from your abuser. Know the warning signs, talk to a trusted confidant, devise a plan of escape, keep your new location under tight wraps, and release the guilt and shame that the abuser has inflicted on you so that you may go on to live YOUR life, to the fullest. Maybe, if my friend had known that she could have used these and many more resources to get out of her abusive relationship, her life might have been different. Seize the moment, and make your life, count. Get out of, or help a friend to get out of an abusive relationship, while you can!
To find out more about Physical Abuse/Domestic Violence, and how to get help for a friend or yourself, please visit:
- National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: http://www.ncadv.org
- National Domestic Hotline: http://www.ndvh.org
How To Get Out Of An Abusive Relationship
I had known her since high school days. We use to eat lunch together, pair up in gym class, have double dates every other weekend, and occasionally do the sleep over thing at each others house. We both graduated high school with honors, and each earned a full scholarship to the college of our choice. We’d spent that last summer after graduation ‘living it up’ since we knew that our time together was limited. At the end of that time, though infrequently, we’d felt certain and promised that we would see each other again. We’d parted ways, with stars in our eyes and lofty goals in our minds to be the best in our professional and personal lives.
But the unthinkable happened 5 years later. I received a call from my dear friend’s mother one morning, and what she told me made me slump onto my sofa: my friend had been beaten beyond recognition by her boyfriend of 3 years, and was in critical condition in the hospital. Later that day, as I stood over her body which was riddled with needles and drips, I couldn’t help wondering about ways in which she could have gotten out of this abusive relationship before it had reached this stage-, with her lying at death’s door. It might be too late for my friend, but here are some tips that could help you, or a friend, get out of an abusive relationship before it’s too late:
Know the initial warning signs:
It is so romantic when a guy wants to spend a lot of time with you, but be careful not to confuse affection with obsession. The initial onset of obsession may be so subtle that you may not even recognize it as such, but be mindful that when your new beau wants you to slowly cut ties with your male friends, girlfriends, families and coworkers, that he is strategically unraveling his plan of having you all to himself. Furthermore, if he wants to control or negate your every move, your red flags should be up. By establishing a pattern of control, he is working on eroding your sense of self, and if he does this long enough, chances are you will come to be reliant on him for guidance, of your self. Be mindful that his ultimate goal is to control your outer and inner life in every way possible, thus making him God like, in your eyes.
To aid in his ‘god like’ persona, he may portray himself as always having to ‘struggle against the world’, or have a ‘me against the world’ complex where everyone is always against him. He will try to gain your sympathy by playing on your sense of loyalty to him. Having worn down your self esteem, it may be especially easy for him to inject thoughts of suspicion into your psychy, and have you question everyone’s motives around you-, especially those who are trying to do right by you, and him. This is essentially what an abuser will do to ‘trap’ you, so if you encounter someone who wants to isolate you from your circle of family and friends, monitor your every move, and dictate what you should do and how you should or should not do it, run as fast as you can, in the other direction! It is better to leave with your self intact, shed a few a tears and nurse a broken heart, than to stay with an abuser and cry every night while nursing a physical or emotional bruise and broken esteem.
Talk to a trusted friend/s:
Your abuser may have talked you into ‘dropping’ your friends and family, but know that your friends will be more understanding than you think, when it comes to helping you to leave this life threatening situation. No doubt it may be difficult, but it is important to reach out to a source of support, someone that you can rely on, someone who will be strong enough to help you walk away when it gets especially tough to do it on your own. Allow this person to act on your behalf, as this person may be aware of resources that may assist you in getting out of the situation and up on your feet. Whether it is a co-worker, or even a passing stranger who seems concerned about your situation, it is vital to have a life line other than that which is being presented to you, by your abuser.
Have a plan of escape:
He may have gotten to you psychologically and/or physically, but know that you not totally broken! It is hard to summon up the courage, let alone the will power to leave, so while you are waiting for that chance, go ahead and formulate an escape plan. Remember that only the higher power knows everything, so take comfort in this as you come up with a plan of escape. Be cognoscente of his routines, patterns and habits, as these things will aid in your ‘escape plan’. Be careful not to write down anything that would make him suspicious of your plans to leave, as he may become even more violent. Though it may be difficult, keep up ‘appearances’ and bid your time, till you are able to leave, safely. Share your plan with your trusted friend, and allow yourself to have them make it happen for you.
Keep your location, a secret:
Keep your location a TOP secret. Unless it is absolutely necessary for someone to know where you are, keep your location under wraps for a while. Be aware that your abuser will be hunting you down. An abuser’s motive of operation is built on controlling another human being, so his ego, pride and self esteem will be challenged as a result of you leaving. No doubt, he will be angered beyond rational, so disclose your location to no one, except a necessary source. You never know if he is hiding close to your old home to see if you show up there, or if he will con an unsuspecting relative or friend into revealing your where abouts. Think as he would think, and secure your self by locking/blocking off all access ports, through which he may enter. If need be, you can always pass on messages to your loved ones to let them know that you are safe, and will return home to them, eventually.
Know that what happened to you is not your fault:
One of the symptoms of being abused, is feeling ashamed. You are conned into thinking that you are deserving of what happens to you, and that you somehow brought this abuse on yourself because of your inability to ‘measure up’ to his standards. DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED, OR BLAME YOURSELF FOR BEING ABUSED. No one deserves to be beaten senseless, or belittled verbally, by anyone. Be aware that an abuser has low self esteem and in order to raise his esteem, he must trample on yours. In order to control you, he must break you, and insinuating shame, is one means of breaking you. It may take a while to work past the feeling of shame, but know that you are deserving of better and brighter days. Counseling and therapy, whether in a single or group setting, is key to recovery. We all need it at some point in our lives (whether in the form of a Pastor, Teacher, friend, co worker, or family), so don’t be afraid or ashamed to accept it when it is being offered to you!
As for my dear friend, who was beaten beyond recognition and left for dead by her boyfriend, she is still in a coma. We can no longer hear her speak, see her beautiful smile, enjoy her lively spirit, or partake in the life that was hers. We can no longer witness these precious parts of her, but hopefully, you, or a friend can avoid this tragedy. It is not too late to walk away from your abuser. Know the warning signs, talk to a trusted confidant, devise a plan of escape, keep your new location under tight wraps, and release the guilt and shame that the abuser has inflicted on you so that you may go on to live YOUR life, to the fullest. Maybe, if my friend had known that she could have used these and many more resources to get out of her abusive relationship, her life might have been different. Seize the moment, and make your life, count. Get out of, or help a friend to get out of an abusive relationship, while you can!
To find out more about Physical Abuse/Domestic Violence, and how to get help for a friend or yourself, please visit:
- National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: http://www.ncadv.org
- National Domestic Hotline: http://www.ndvh.org